Frequently Asked Questions
We here at Zapato Productions Intradimensional are constantly barraged with inquiries from our many loyal-verging-on-obsessive-and-possibly-psychotic fans about every imaginable bit of minutia having to do with the content, operations, and deep philosophical meanings of the ZPi website and its Creator, President and CEO, Lyle Zapato.
ENOUGH ALREADY! We give up! To satisfy your undying curiosity and to save any additional wear and tear on the carpel tunnels of our email-answering Sasquatch interns, we're giving you a handy-dandy FAQ that will answer all your frequently asked questions, as FAQs are wont to do. Before emailing us or our extremely busy leader, please read over the questions and answers listed below in no rational order. They were all individually typed by Lyle Zapato himself, so you know you'll be getting the inside scoop on all your ZPi ponderings.
Also, take note of the privacy/email policy (don't say you weren't warned -- we're warning you not to say that!) and mirroring policy (for all you Farkdotters and Metapoolers) listed at the end in the section entitled "Important Questions" (not that your other questions are unimportant, well...).
Who are you?
I am Lyle Zapato.
What is all of this?
It is a website containing various things that I have written, drawn, explored, discovered, etc.
Dear Mr Zapatopi...
The name's Zapato, Lyle Zapato. "Zapatopi" is the (partial) URL of my website, not my name.
Why is your URL "zapatopi.net"?
"zapatopi" is a compression of "Zapato P. I." which is a shortening of "Zapato Productions Intradimensional" which is the true name of the site (you can also call it "ZPi" if you wish).
Why is it called "Zapato Productions Intradimensional"?
Because the site contains productions (i.e. things produced) by Lyle Zapato (i.e. me). These productions all fall within certain thematic dimensions, hence they are intradimensional.
How do you pronounce "zapatopi"?
"zah-PAH-toe-pie" or "zah-pah-toe-pie" depending on your stress preferences.
It is not pronounced "ZAP-ah-TOE-pee".
Why is the logo an octopus with shoes?
"Zapatopi" rhymes with "octopi" which is why the logo is of an octopus (yes, a singular octopus not multiple octopi - and yes, "octopi" probably isn't really a word, "octopuses" being arguably the proper pluralization). I'll leave it up to you to deduce why the octopus is wearing shoes.
Do you have any ZPi intellectual property related merchandise available for purchase?
Yes. There is an AFDB book (ISBN 1581603762).
Do you intend to turn the ZPi website into a profitable e-business?
ZPi isn't about money, but rather the synergizing of empowerment with interpersonal paradigms and the wielding of initiative to innovate innovative innovations. I fear focusing on selling t-shirts would only get in the way.
What sort of merchandise are you not selling?
Potential merchandise (besides obvious t-shirts) does suggest itself. For instance, a number of people (that number being 2) have inquired about Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus tentacle ribbon lapel pins, which would be quite spiffy (and expensive) if done in cloisonné. Hummel-esque porcelain figurines of an AFDB-bedecked yellow lab would be a sure hit with the blue-haired-granny set. Decimalized NixonFly character wristwatches with the curly nose-tongue serving as a quintoday hand would make wonderful graduation gifts. Flyswatters emblazoned with "Black Helicopter Defense System" would be both practical and inexpensive. And of course, Lyle Zapato action figures ("with Kelvinic grip!") would be top sellers if they existed.
But I want a t-shirt NOW!
Ok. Get a white t-shirt and a permanent marker. Write "Lyle Zapato is KEEN!" in big letters across the front of the shirt and "Lord Kelvin loves ME!" across the back. Send me $15. Happy?
If you are not selling anything other than a book and Cafepress bric-a-brac, how does your website stay in business while so many others now-a-days that were selling oodles of stuff are going bankrupt and shutting down?
Through the obscenely unhuman power of compounded interest.
Can you please endorse my product/service?
No. I do not do endorsements.
(Any rumors you may have heard that I do Japanese TV commercials for squid-based artificial turkey substitutes is nothing but a vicious lie spread by anti-conservation groups in an attempt to discredit my work protecting the endangered Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus.)
May we interview you?
No. I do not grant interviews to anyone... maybe I would reconsider if it were Daljit Dhaliwal... but other than her, not anyone.
But we'd really like to have you on our late night radio show right after the guy who thinks the Government controls the weather with traffic cones.
No. The signal from within your radio station will be picked up on my AFDB, causing its layers to vibrate audibly, leading to feedback on the mic. Your listeners wouldn't be able to hear me over the high-pitch screech.
Would you like to join my fantabulous money-making affiliate network?
Did I mention that it is fantabulous?
Yes, you did. The answer is still "No".
Would you consider exchanging links with my site?
I only link to things that I feel have relevance to the subject matter at hand. I have no "things in general I like" section on my website. If your site is relevant to information presented on my site, I will look at it and consider linking to it. If I do link, I do not require nor expect a link from you in return.
Short answer: no "link exchanges". But send the URL anyways if you think I would find it interesting.
May I use your image x for linking even though you have a perfectly good button/ribbon designed for just that purpose?
Yeah, sure. Why not? It's all good. Just make sure to copy the image to your server.
How are you doing?
I represent a Middle Eastern business concern and would like to buy large quantities of raw aluminum from you. How do I place an order?
ZPi does not sell aluminum. I don't know whose contact list I'm on, but it's obviously not very well researched.
Perhaps Google is to blame. The AFDB page comes in second place if you search for "aluminum".
The composit sketch of you on your bio page doesn't depict you wearing an AFDB. Why?
It's a composit sketch. They are never very accurate.
Are you insane?
No. I'm saner than you.
You are a fool and are doing a disservice to mankind! Why is this?
I blame the so-called Belgians, those BASTARDS!.
Did you know that Jesus loves you?
Did you know that the Lord Kelvin loves you more?
I love you Daljit! will you marry me?
I am not Daljit Dhaliwal. Read the page you got my email address off of again, and this time pay attention to the text, not the pictures of the pretty woman.
And no, I can't forward a message to her.
Besides, you are too late. Daljit's already married. Sorry.
Is x for real? [Where x is anything mentioned on my website]
Yes, of course. Would someone with a website lie to you?
Why haven't you answered my email?
I apologize if you have not received an answer or reply from me. I assure you that I do read every email that I receive, but I tend to be very bad at getting around to answering them all. Do not take a non-answer to mean that you are not special and beloved by all the people of the world, including me. We all like you, we really do. Sometimes, we just don't know how to express it to you. You are very intimidating, you know that don't you?
May I email you?
Have you read all of the above? Yes? Good. My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.
What is your privacy/email policy?
ZPi, Lyle Zapato, and associated hangers-on will never sell information about you to anyone. Nor will we barter it for goods and/or services. Nor will we hand it out for free as part of a promotional campaign. Not even all the information about your personal hygiene we gather every time you visit the site (using the chemosensors embedded in the "F" and "J" keys on your keyboard). No, we will keep all of your information confidential, using it only for statistical research and the personal amusement of ZPi personnel.
Be aware (beware!), nearly every page on this site has an amoral Web Bug (or two!) on it that will intrusively record such intimate personal information as: your IP address, the time at which you requested the page, where you linked from, your computer's operating system, and possibly your screen resolution! And it will leave no yummy cookie behind as compensation! Shocking! By viewing the pages, you agree to this unacceptable breach of your privacy (retroactively, since there is one on this page too - egad! they're everywhere!).
Also, any email or email attachments you send to ZPi or associated persons will remain your own intellectual property (assuming they were yours to begin with), but by sending them you are implicitly granting ZPi and associated persons permission to publish the contents on the ZPi website, unless you explicitly state otherwise. (I'll probably ask first anyways, unless it is obvious that that is what you wanted.)
May I link to you?
Yes, of course. The Internet is made for linking. If I didn't want people to link to my pages I would have put them on a secure intranet accessable only via special terminals from my guarded compound. But then only myself and my Sasquatch interns would be able to read them, and what good would that do?
For those of you still skittish about unauthorized linking or who just like filling out forms, you can now download the official ZPi Link Request Form ZPI-LINK0001 (PDF format). Fill it out and send a copy to us via pneumatic mail and three weeks later you might be allowed to link to us. It's just that simple!
What is your mirroring policy?
If you are going to link to a page on my site from a very high burst-traffic site, such as a popular weblog or news site, please consider mirroring that page so as not to DDoS my poor, harried server. (If you don't know what this means, then you probably don't need to worry about it.)
If the above applies, I give you permission to mirror a page, it's images, and files on the following condtions:
- Email me so I know who's linking to me.
- The page and other contents must not be altered, excepting...
- A note should be added to the top of the page indicating that it is a mirror and giving a link to the original.
- Links to the site hosting the mirror can also be added to the top, as long as it's clear that that site is only a host and not associated with the page's creator.
- You may also alter any links that may be broken, such as relative paths to images or my other pages, or absolute URLs to images on zapatopi.net that you are mirroring.
- Any other reasonable changes to make the page display as it should.
- The mirror should only stay up for a limited, reasonable amount of time, like until the traffic dies down or the link is bumped off your front page. (This is to avoid having confusing multiple copies and Google dilution.)