The 3rd Annual Nigerian
EMail Conference

"Write better emails. Make more moneys."

I am Mr. Laurent Mpeti Kabila, a senior assistant leader of the Revolutionary United Front of Sierra Leone.

I present to you an urgent and confidential request: I request your attendance at The 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference. This is an excellent opportunity to meet your distinguished colleagues, learn new marketing techniques, and spend your hard-earned money. Attending this conference demands the highest trust, security and confidentiality between us.

Dates: November 7 - 9, 2003
Location: Abuja Sheraton Hotel & Casino
Registration Fee: $995 per person

Like most Nigerians, you're probably finding that it's increasingly difficult to earn a decent living from email. That's why you need to attend the 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference.

"This conference is an investment in your future. Learn to take advantage of modern technology, and make a great deal of money with very little effort. If you have any question, please contact me and I will send you a proposal that may be of interest to you. I await your response by return while assuring you that the transaction is absolutely risk free."

- Dr. Collins Mbadiwe

Preliminary^* List of Events

As in the past, this conference
has something for everyone.
You will hear presentations by
some of the world's leading
Nigerian Email businessmen
and businesswomen.

Following are just a few of the
many events that are scheduled.

Breakfast Kickoff Session:
Your choice: A hard boiled egg, or two slices of white bread and a cricket.
Keynote Address:
Dr. Hamza Kalu's adds some historical perspective in his keynote address: "From Postal Scams To Email Scams: We Have Come a Long Way Infant Child."
Debate:
Attend a lively debate between Lady Mariam Abacha and Mr. Godwin Oyathelem. Topic: "The effectiveness of using all UPPERCASE characters."
Practical Discussion:
Mallam Mahmud Abacah answers the question, "Are 10 million emails a day too many?"
Competition:
Other countries are now adapting our business. Is this a threat or an opportunity?
Tech Session:
Mrs. M Sese-Seko reveals valuable secrets in her session titled, "Those Pesky Email Headers"
Commerce:
Find out how banking systems throughout the world operate -- with special emphasis on money transfers.
Linguistics:
Damn, spam, scam, sham. And more rhymes in the "sticks and stones" category.
Telecommunications:
Soliciting via cell phone text messaging: Can it work?
Accounting:
The taxman he's a comin': Keeping good and accurate records.
Open Discussion:
We will resume last year's high-spirited discussion of unionization, including health benefits.
Workshop:
Grammatical errors: What's the optimal number?
Statistics:
Dr. Kayode Naiyeju presents his ground-breaking research: "Analyzing response rates using analysis of variance: That pesky R-squared value," as published in The Nigerian Journal of Applied Statistics.
Economics:
A round table discussion: Is email now Nigeria's top export?
For Newcomers:
View an entertaining PowerPoint presentation that describes how to get started in this lucrative business, with no initial investment!
Hand-on Session:
Experts critique your emails, and offer valuable tips.

* The actual schedule of events and participants depends on various trial outcomes and extradition hearings.

Accommodations

The Abuja Sheraton Hotel is an elegant 5-star hotel in the heart of the new capital of Nigeria. For more information, click here. Only 575 rooms are available, so make sure you register early!

Amenities* include a bar, a barber shop, running water (hot AND cold), free parking, and a free newspaper (except for weekends).

Imagine yourself sitting in this modern conference room, surrounded by enterprising businessmen like yourself.

Spouses are invited, although they may not attend the conference sessions. Spouses must spend the day in their hotel room watching TV (two channels are available, and one is not cartoons).

* Restrooms are available in the hotel. Please use them.

From Past Conferences...

"My business has increased by 45%, and I am now experiencing an 89.4% ROI" - Mariam Abacha
"It was a genuine pleasure to meet other honorable business persons such as myself." - Isa Ahmed
"The presentation on P.T. Barnum was especially helpful." - Farouk Bakoh
"The hotel was very, very upscale. The running water was a nice touch! - Dr, Collins Mdadiwe
"I am pleased. I got many new email addresses as a direct result of this most valuable conference." - Aku Chukwu
"Now I know how to respond when someone refers to my business as a scam." - Franklin Dimmoh
"I AM FIRMLY CONVINCED THAT USING UPPERCASE LETTERS MAKES MY WRITING MORE EFFECTIVE." - Mr. Ibrahim Ahmed
"The free daily newspaper was very good to receive, but it is not come on Saturday." - Mrs. Mabel Mamumbi (my kidney disease is getting better, but I am still a widow)

Register Now!

Registration is via a confidential money transfer.

Send your bank's name, account number, your name, address, telephone number, and fax numbers. Please note again that this transaction is strictly confidential and as such should be kept secret. Be rest assured that this transaction is 100% risk free.

Kindly send the requested information (in complete confidence) to:

Nigerian EMail Conference
c/o Abuja Sheraton Hotel Abuja
Ladi Kwali Way Abuja, NG PMB 143

Nigerian EMail Association

OK. The joke's over. Nothing more to see here.

The J-Walk Blog
More Humor